Christmas Cards

Finding the perfect cards to use for the holidays is always hard.  I have to find one that is cute, holiday neutral (thank you multi-belief family!), but not offensive.  They also have to be cute otherwise, what's the point?  I used to go to Walmart and get them because they were cheap and they worked.  But I recently decided I want better.  I also wanted to include pictures in my cards.  Instead of having dozens of copies made, I decided to get photo holiday cards.  Of course I went with the leader in photo products, Shutterfly. They have wonderful Christmas cards, Hannukkah cards, and many of the cards have matching address labels!  How awesome is that?!  My favorites are the cards with snowflakes, winter animals, and snowmen!  There are so many cards to choose from, I want to buy one of every single style.  Luckily they are having a promotion of 20% off right now so I can get as many cards as I need without having to worry about cost!

Is It Normal?

Is it normal to be scared to get pregnant again?  Is it normal to be afraid of the potential pain?  Is it normal to be scared of having a miscarriage?  Is it normal to not want to go through all of the emotions again?

I'm very scared of having to go through all of this again.  I want to have children, but I'm so scared of the what-ifs and the possibility of going through the pain again is overwhelming.

A little better all the time...

So I've been thinking alot lately about how I'm doing and handling everything that's happened in the past year.  It's getting close to a year since we've moved to Charlotte.  As I've reflected I have come to realize that I'm doing better than anticipated.  I still have problems with my emotions.  I can't seem to control them or express them properly.  I'm also still looking for an outlet for my anger (though I am considering asking my cousin to see if she knows of a shooting range that I could go to and borrow a gun and don't have to buy my own).  I also still have panic attacks, however they are fewer and less often.  They happen mostly when the house gets out of hand/messy.  I've been working hard on that as well.  Before my mom came to visit for my birthday, I cleaned the whole downstairs!  It got messy again so now that she's gone I'm re-cleaning it!  I've been tackling some small projects to get better organized as well.  Hopefully now I can keep things in order.
I also got some "good news" on Friday.  Stewart and I have been trying to have children full time now.  We're doing everything recommended.  We're trying to eat better, take better care of ourselves, exercise more, all of that.  I've also taken the advice of my sisters (Surfing Sisters) and started tracking my cycle.  On top of the "old fashioned" methods I've been using one of the ovulation test kits (of course digital since my previous experience with "one line or two" type tests).  The basic principal of them is it shows you the best days in your cycle to conceive.  I got my smiley face on Friday!  I was so excited!  That's all I've been able to think about now.  I keep hoping and praying.  Now I also get to wait.
Thanks everyone who's been there for me or to listen (read) to me vent.

Having a Day

I hate days like this.  I can't seem to get out of my head.  I'm insecure and feel like I'm not getting anywhere.  This roller coaster makes me sick.  I want off.  I'm tired of taking one step forward and five steps back.

Playing the race card

We went to Walmart to pick up a  few things.  We wanted sodas so we checked there to see if they had a specific kind I'm looking for.  Plus we got some tshirts for me to wear while running since I only have long sleeve shirts from when we started running in the winter.  So I go to the self check out line and I get behind this woman who is almost finished.  She finishes up and before I have a chance to pull the stuff out of my cart a woman jumps in front of me and starts to check herself out.  I say "Um, excuse me?" and she rudely lets me know that she was already in line at different self check out and it wasn't working so she was technically ahead of me.  I was a bit dumb founded at the fact that this woman assumed she could away with that kind of behavior.  What made me more mad was the fact that I didn't stick up for myself further since I was afraid of being labeled a racist.  If I, a white person, starts to say something negative to a minority, I am automatically racist!  It has NOTHING to do with the fact that I'm right and she's wrong.  Nor does it have anything to do with the fact that she was being a capital B witch.  Nope, that has nothing to do with it at all!
It makes me so mad that we are so afraid of being labeled things like "racist" that we allow people to get away with whatever they want!  It's gotten pretty outrageous these days.
I could say more on the topic, but I'm sure I'm already a big fat white supremacist in the mind of some since I am not going to allow that to happen again!

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

So my mom and I went to Cheesecake Factory for dinner.  Super yum!  Then we decided to walk around the mall a bit before going and getting dessert on the way home.  We passed Pottery Barn Kids and one of the pictures in the window (the ones that show you "real" kids using the products to entice you to go in) had a kid using a turtle towel (even though it was wrapped around the kid, I could tell it had turtles on it!).  We went in so I could buy the turtle towel.  Turns out they have a WHOLE LINE of turtle stuff right now. Well, my mom being who she is went a bit crazy and picked up every single turtle item there was.  That included kids toys, kids plates and cups, baby feeding set, rattle, crib sheets, blanket, tote, lunchbox, stuffed animal, lovies, nightlight, pillow, soap dish (the rest of the set wasn't turtles), and the towel we originally went in for.  I started to get upset since the guy helping my mom assumed it was all for me and that I was pregnant because he was advising when to use the different items after the baby was born.
Then when we left my mom wasn't thinking and said we have all the baby stuff and now all I need is a baby.  As soon as she said it she got upset at herself and realized what she said and apologized.  I know she didn't mean to hurt me and didn't realize what she was saying.  However, that doesn't make it hurt less.

Car Trouble

Sometimes I feel as if there's something wrong with me.  I was riding with my mom to drop off some items at goodwill.  Turns out the store had moved and there was a sign telling where the new one is.  My mom pulled into the tiny parking lot and we looked at the sign.  She went to pull back onto the road and I freaked out.  For some reason I just got really scared we were going to get into an accident.  I started crying, and hyper ventilating, and all that.  After the accident last October I haven't been able to handle myself as a passenger in a car.  Most of the time I can keep my fears and freak outs to myself, but this time, not so much.  I felt bad for my mom.  I didn't want to make her feel like her driving was bad.  I just freak out about everyone else around me that I don't know and can't control.

I talked with my mom about it after I had calmed down and she understood and wasn't upset or anything.  She told me that she still has trouble driving next to tractor trailer trucks from her accident with one 30something years ago.  That made me feel a bit better, but scared at the same time.  It validated my fears but also didn't  give me much confidence that I'll ever get over them.

Sleeplessness

I'm not sure why, but I have had trouble falling asleep for the longest time.  Once I'm asleep I have no problems.  It's the actual getting to sleep part that is hard.  It's puzzling really.  I will be tired all day, but when I go to lay down, nothing.  I wind up staring at the ceiling.  Well, more appropriately, the pillow over my face.  I toss and turn and eventually have to get up and try and do something to make myself sleepy.  At some point I may just have to ask a doctor "WTF?!"